A year ago tonight, I was anxiously awaiting Blake's arrival. My c-section was scheduled for 8:30 the next morning, which left only 12 more hours of pregnancy. Part of me was ready for this baby to be out. To have my body back, to be able to see my feet, to be able to sleep without a body pillow, to be able to go longer than an hour without peeing...you get the idea. But I also knew that I would miss this feeling. I would miss laying on the couch, rubbing my belly and feeling Blake kick. I would miss having him safe and protected inside me because once he was out...I wouldn't have him all to myself anymore. I would have to share him with the world and as I excited as I was for that...it also made me a little scared. But I wasn't really scared for the reasons you might think.
That night, after we tucked Addie into bed, Eric and I had a talk about death. He didn't want to have this talk, but I needed to have this talk. I am someone who needs to verbalize my fears. I need to talk about them and plan for them. My big fear the night before Blake's birth was not about Blake. As much as I prayed for him to be healthy when he arrived, I was more worried about myself for some reason. I was scared something would go wrong during my surgery and Eric would be left to raise both of our children by himself. Whenever I had brought this subject up before, Eric would just roll his eyes and repeat, for the 50th time, that everything would be okay. But that night...he listened to my fears.
At first I just started listing all the things that scared me. Not being there to watch them grow, not being there to help raise them, not being there for Blake at his first baseball game, not being there for Addie when she walks down the isle, etc. He just held my hand and nodded as I went down my list.
I then told him that I was worried he wouldn't know where everything was. Yes...this was a huge worry for me. I asked him if he knew where I kept all the kid's keepsakes, where I kept their baby books, where I kept the extra wipes, how I organized their closets and dresser drawers...and instead of letting him answer...I decided to just tell him where everything was again. I reminded him where everything was in the kitchen (as if he didn't live there too). I reminded him that the hall closet is where I keep all of the extra diapers, wipes, etc. (as if he hadn't already seen them). I reminded him that I keep the kids keepsake boxes in my closet. I also told him about the pen I use for their baby books (so that it stays uniform throughout). I also reminded him about certain files on the computer and where all of our important documents are. He didn't say much while I went down this list, but when I was done, he got a huge smile on his face.
At first I wanted to yell at him. I mean, we were talking about my death here!!! Why wasn't he sad? Why wasn't he balling like a baby at just the THOUGHT of losing me? Wasn't he scared? And the thing is...he wasn't scared. He knew I would make it out of surgery safely. He knew that Blake would be happy and healthy. And more importantly, he knew where the damn wipes were, where I kept our blender, where the kid's play clothes were and where I kept the black pen for the baby books. He just knew everything was going to be okay because even if it wasn't...he knew there was nothing we could do to change things. That is just how Eric is. He thinks positive and doesn't worry because he knows that worrying and stressing about things that might happen won't change the outcome.
Oh how I wish that I could program my brain to think the same way. I do have to admit though...his way of thinking is what makes us soul mates. I need his positive, level-headed attitude to level out my crazy worry sometimes. Even today, as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get Christmas decorations down, birthday decorations up, gifts put away, new gifts wrapped, etc...he reminded me that worrying and stressing about Blake's birthday party this weekend was not going to make it go more smoothly. I think I gave him the finger when he said that, but as I sit here tonight, I realize that he is right. YES BABE...you are right. We can't live our lives stressing and worrying. We have to enjoy these moments because they come and go so quickly. I mean just look...the same baby I am talking about in this post turns ONE tomorrow!!!
Speaking of which, I promise to have a very happy birthday post for Blakey Boy up tomorrow, but tonight I just wanted to reminisce about the wonderful lesson that my husband tried to teach me the night before Blake was born...and every night since :-) We all need to enjoy every day we have with our families and not worry about what might be. A good friend of mine lost her father today. They had just finished celebrating a wonderful Christmas with lots of laughs and fun memories. And then he was gone. My heart is heavy tonight thinking of them and it just makes Eric's outlook on life more real...and more important.
So before I go and spend the next few hours looking at Blake's baby pictures with tears in my eyes, I ask that you say a little prayer for my friend Natalie, her Mom Lynne, and the rest of her family as they go through this difficult time. Pray that they find peace and comfort. Until tomorrow friends :-)