Friday, June 24, 2011

Please Go the F*** to Sleep

Before I became a parent, all I ever heard about were baby sleeping woes. I was fully prepared for my newborn not to sleep the night right away so when we brought Addie home and she was up 3-4 times a night...I didn't think anything of it. It was hard...but I just kept telling myself that as soon as we got out of this baby stage, I would never have to worry about her waking up at night again (except for the occasional illness, bad dream or thunderstorm). So when she finally started sleeping the night at 9 months...I thought we were home free!

Sadly, I couldn't have been more wrong. Sure, we had a blissful year of her sleeping the night consistently which was fantastic since we had another newborn baby to wake up with. But as soon as Blake started sleeping the night, Addie decided that she was going to throw a wrench in our peaceful night routine. First it started with her needing to go to the bathroom. Once she was potty trained, I knew this might be a common occurrence. I was ready for it.

But then she learned the rest of the excuses on the toddler bedtime list. You parents know what I'm talking about:

"I'm not tired"
"I have to go to the bathroom"
"There's a monster in my closet"
"I'm hungry"
"I have a boo-boo"
"My leg hurts"

and so on.....and so on....and so on. I'm fully convinced that Addie might be the master of bedtime bullshittery.

I've spent many hours talking about this issue with my other mommy friends who have kids Addie's age and I find it fascinating that ALL of them have the SAME excuses every night! You can't help but laugh when a friend says, "Megan was up all night last night telling me her leg hurt and then an hour later, it was her elbow" because sadly, you were going through the same thing with your kid the night before! We should all just be calling each other at 2:00 a.m. to share our funny stories.

In fact, if someone would have called my house last night, I could have told them about Addie's 3 excuses. First she was hungry, then she was cold (with 26 different blankets on her bed to chose from) and then she was "lonely" and wanted me to lay with her. How in the hell can a child be "lonely" with 4 dolls, a stuffed dog, a real dog (Howie), and a Nemo bath toy all cuddled around her?


Anyway, when I was talking about this subject with my BF Tara recently, she told me about this book a friend of hers sent. It's called...

Obviously, this book is COMPLETELY inappropriate for kids, but it is so hilarious I actually got tears in my eyes reading it. It is just SO TRUE!!! Our favorite line in the book is,

"I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying."

So funny. And inappropriate. I highly recommend buying the book because the illustrations are hilarious too, but my mom found a free audiobook copy online read by Samuel L Jackson! Just go to and search the book title. Warning: if you don't like saying or hearing the f-word, don't listen. If you are easily offended, don't listen. If you have no sense of humor, don't listen. If you don't have kids this may not get all of it...but Samuel L Jackson reading a grocery list would be funny so maybe listen to it anyway :-)

So is anyone else experiencing this with their toddlers/preschoolers? Anyone else have a totally hilarious excuse their child has given them recently? It's so fun to share :-)


  1. Emma has a MILLION excuses! It's amazing what she can come up with: "I need another kiss and hug." "I need to change my pjs." "I need more stuffed animals." "What is that shadow over there?" or just to tell me: "Don't forget to check on me." "Don't forget to not turn off the bathroom like, work on the computer, and don't go to bed tonight." HAH! Kids!

  2. That book sounds funny!

    I fortunately have been blessed with a well sleeping child. I will interject though and say that Evan is still in a crib. The kid has NEVER climbed out. So we just keep him there. After we move him to a toddler bed...I'm sure we'll have a much different story. He's definitely NOT one to stay put when he's not confined!

  3. O my god thats way too funny I just listened and about peed my pants.. there is nobody better to read it then him.

  4. I'm so glad you got the book! And I do adore the I know you're not thirsty line!
    Tonight our excuses were I need another kiss and hug, there's a big man in my room, and there's a fire in my room. Sigh.

  5. I heard the video clip of this the other day and coffee just about shot out of my nose.

    I'm at the other end of life with a 21 year old who resents curfews because we get up at 430 am for work every day.

  6. OMG, that is hilarious! I about died during your post. You had me at bedtime bullshittery. I need to use that sometime! That's exactly what that is. Don't worry, wait until they're eight. It seems to never stop...well, at least until they are teenagers and want to sleep until the afternoon. Even then, I'm sure it's even more of a pain trying to wake them up constantly. Ah, the joys of parenting. I need to get that book!


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